Everyone is familiar with the golden rule: “Do unto others as you would have others do unto you”.  Rationally, it makes perfect sense.  It is a logical way to operate for the most part.  Obviously, there is going to be a certain percentage of the population that could easily stretch the limits of behavior.  That aside, the element that I am interested in here is the psychological element that is bound to the adage that history repeats itself.  It certainly does on a macro and a micro level.  In individuals, history tends to repeat itself when we are unaware of what motivates our behavior.  For example, people who have emotionally abusive parents that end up in emotionally abusive relationships as adults.

So I altered the golden rule to state the following: “We do unto others as has been done unto us”.  If our parents reacted to us without empathy as children, it makes it much more challenging to internalize the capacity to empathize.  It doesn’t mean that it’s impossible, but without that foundation, it is much more difficult to be empathic with ourselves and with others.

One of my patients so eloquently expressed this the other day when he was telling me that he found himself reacting to his girlfriend when she was sick the same way he was reacted to by his father as a child.  The great thing is that he is in therapy and that he was aware of his actions and able to take a step back and reflect on them and then talk to his girlfriend about it.  This is growth encapsulated.  It’s a beautiful thing to be a part of and it is also the best remedy to this mutation of the golden rule.

By David B. Younger, Ph.D

A great way to explore feeling with your children is by role-playing.  In a non-judgmental or sarcastic way, take the role of your child in a situation where she has been struggling.  Make it playful and spontaneous.  For example, if your child doesn’t like one of her teachers because she isn’t warm with her, try this:

Mom: I’ll be the kid and you be the teacher.

Kid: Ok…(As teacher) Rachel!  You’re not paying attention.  Stop talking to Jenny.

Mom: (As kid) Sorry Miss Sarah.

Kid: (As teacher) Just stop it!

Mom: (As kid) Miss Sarah, I said sorry.  Please don’t yell at me.  It makes me feel bad.

Kid: (As teacher) Too bad!

Mom: (As kid) But Miss Sarah, I’m only 6 and it’s hard to sit still and concentrate all day.  I’m not doing it on purpose.

You see, the brilliant aspect of this role-play is that it allows mom to put words to her daughter’s feelings in a non-threatening and experiential way.  The child can feel empowered by being in the role of the teacher, but she will also be hearing a validation of her own feelings via the role of the mother.

This can be a really fun and effective exercise that helps children put words to their feelings and also helps them feel understood.  Give it a shot when your child is feeling stuck in a certain situation.  If you do try it, I’d love to hear how it goes.  Send me an email to david@dbyounger.com.  You can also email me if you have any questions about this or anything else I write about.

By David B. Younger, Ph.D

Roger is driving in the middle of the desert in New Mexico.  He has been driving for miles without passing a single car, house, or person.  He has never felt so alone in the universe.

Suddenly, the engine coughs and within seconds the car is sitting silently on the side of the road.  He ran out of gas.

Roger decides to get out and walk.  Considering how far he has come, he assumes that there must be some form of life ahead.

He walks for almost two hours and sees a single light in the distance.  He picks up the pace and is overwhelmed with excitement.

As the light slowly grows brighter, Roger starts to think about who on earth would be living in complete desolation like this.  He thinks to himself: “What if they’re deranged?  What if they try to kill me or kidnap me?  This is crazy.  I cannot do this”.

Finally, Roger reaches the door of the single house in the middle of nowhere.  He knocks and a man opens the door and says, “Can I help you?”

“Keep your fucking gasoline!!!” Roger says, and he walks away.

The moral of the story: We can create elaborate tales in our minds irrespective of the world outside.  We are constantly defining the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors of others in our own terms without corroborating the evidence.  In this joke, Roger worked himself up so much that by the time he actually met the stranger in the house, he had already lived out a number of elaborate fantasies.  We often do this without even being conscious of it and it can really be damaging to relationships.  So the bottom line is that if you aren’t sure, ask.

By David B. Younger, Ph.D

The following passage is a beautifully eloquent explanation of the importance of not running from our own pain by Vietnamese Buddhist monk, Thich Nhat Hanh…

Thich Nhat Hanh (From a Question and Answer session on July 20, 1998)

Suppose you have a depression and you want to get away from it. How can you get away from it? You have to embrace it and look deeply into it and identify the causes that have brought it to you. Then you can learn from your depression, and then you can enjoy the non-depression, the well being that you can afford to have. If you know how to cut the source of nutriment that has brought on your depression, then you are on your way to emancipation, and you begin to enjoy your non-depression. It is like your toothache. I hope that in this moment you don’t have a toothache, yet you don’t enjoy your non-toothache until you have a toothache. Suffering from your toothache you get enlightened: you say: “It’s wonderful not to have a toothache.” So, how to enjoy your non-toothache? Just remember the time when you had a toothache. Suffering plays a very important role in helping you to be happy. That is why even what you call suffering, loneliness, meaninglessness, sadness, fear and despair can be wonderful, because it is thanks to them that you have an opportunity to discover what freedom, stability, friendship, interbeing and love are.

So let us not run away from our garbage; we should learn the art of making compost. Using that compost we will grow a lot of flowers. Don’t think that without compost you can have flowers. That is an illusion. You can have flowers only with compost. That is the insight of interbeing – look into the flower and you will see the compost. If you remove the compost that became the flower, the flower will disappear also. What you are looking for, freedom, joy, and stability, you know that suffering plays a very important role in it. So be aware that we cannot just run away from our problems. In fact, we have to go back to our problems. The practice of calming, of concentrating, of embracing, of looking deeply into the nature of our pain, is absolutely necessary for us to get the transformation, the healing that we need so much.

By David B. Younger, Ph.D

I first want to acknowledge that this is something that I learned from one of my mentors, Dr. Manik Hiranandani in India.  I would often be talking with him about disappointing situations in my life when people did not respond in ways that I had hoped they would.  It happens to all of us, when you give something and you expect something in return:

“I referred him that patient and he didn’t even write to thank me”, or

“I always listen to her problems, but she never asks me about mine”, or

“I’m going on this yoga retreat and they don’t even seem excited for me or happy that I am taking care of myself”.

These are a few mundane examples of how easy it is to give something or do something and simultaneously expect something in return.  This is what is referred to as a ‘transaction’.  Transactions almost always lead to disappointment because there are strings attached and the enjoyment or fulfillment is in the hands of the “other”, because we are depending upon a specific response.

A gift is when we give something or do something without expecting anything in return.  We do it simply for the sake of doing it and there are no expectations after that.  Townes Van Zandt said it best: “I just want to sing for the sake of the song”.

We take pleasure in the original act of referring the patient or listening to the problems or sharing the good news and that is it.  It sounds easy, but once you become aware of how many of your interactions are actually tied up in transactions, you will realize that it’s not so easy to let go of the strings.

Now that you are aware of the difference between a gift and a transaction, try paying attention to the nature of your interactions.  Take special notice of your expectations of others.  Ask yourself if you think it is possible to let go of the expectations.  If you practice this, it will make you much happier.

By David B. Younger, Ph.D

Pain and sadness to do not disappear when we avoid them.  No one enjoys feeling sad or lonely, but it’s part of being human.  Feelings and thoughts are ephemeral.  It is when we cling to them or run away from them that they persist.  When we feel good, we want it to last forever.  When we feel bad, we just want it to disappear. 

I find that when I talk with my patients about an anguish that they are experiencing that the sole act of giving space or allowing for the feeling to be there versus wishing it away, provides relief and inevitably detracts from the intensity of the feeling.  It’s not magic.  It doesn’t mean that the sadness just disappears completely, but it helps.  It’s normal to feel pain and sadness just as it is to feel happiness and joy, but everything is temporary.  Acknowledging this can bring about its own mixed feelings. You are not your feelings just as you are not your mind or your body.  Your feelings and thoughts and your mind and your body are constantly changing.  The only thing that stays the same is the entity that observes the changes, the entity that can identify how the body changes between time x and y.  This observing entity, which some refer to as the soul, exists outside of time and is not subjected to the same principles as the mind and the body. 

Exercise: Try sitting in a quiet place and closing your eyes and concentrating on your breath.  Notice the sensations as you breathe in, how your belly rises or your chest expands.  Observe how it feels as you exhale.  Different thoughts and feelings will inevitably keep appearing in your mind as you breathe.  Notice them.  If you start to feel sadness, identify the feeling inside your mind as sadness and gently return to your breath.  Whenever your mind begins to wander, acknowledge where it goes and bring it back to the breath.  Try this for 5 minutes and you can see how active the mind is and how difficult it can be to simply stay with the breath without intruding thoughts and feelings.  You can also get a sense for the act of observing that I referred to earlier as well as the act of letting go. 

Thoughts and feelings are like waves that are not meant to be dammed up.  Meditating for a short time each day is a very helpful way to practice the art of observing and letting go.

By David B. Younger, Ph.D

There is a Zen saying that goes something like this: If you have shit on your nose, it will smell no matter where you go.

The answer is to wash your face.

By David B. Younger, Ph.D

One of the therapy groups that I run is composed of an eclectic mix of people from all over the world who have one big thing in common: they are out of work due to accidents on the job.  I have written about this before because many of these people are treated like criminals even though they have done nothing wrong.  One of my patients referred me to the movie Marathon Man by Dustin Hoffman.  He says that this entire experience has made him paranoid.  He doesn’t know who he can trust.

That’s not the theme of this post though.  I am writing because I met with my group on the day before Thanksgiving and they all started talking about their physical pain, financial woes, and overall frustrations.  This is par for the course and I always stress the importance that they have a space where they can talk about all of this, a space where they can be heard and seen.  I am convinced that this will have a positive impact on their psychological health and on their physical health. 

This group is a veritable United Nations.  I am the only American-born person in the group.  We have representatives from Trinidad, Jamaica, Poland, Puerto Rico, and the Philippines.  Frankly, it is one of the things I most treasure about being in New York that I have the privilege to work with such a potpourri of people.  I learn so much from them.

I will get to the point now.  I interrupted the group’s collective tirade as it was hitting its crescendo and I asked one of the members what she was thankful for.  She told me she was thankful for her friends and family, thankful that she is a part of this group and that she is still breathing.  We went around the room.  Most of the members had things they were thankful for.  One of the members needed some nudging from a fellow member, but she too found a voice. 

We transitioned somewhat seamlessly from a focus on what was lacking to what was abundant and the energy in the room was substantially changed.  As difficult as things may be in any given moment, and as much as there is that is simply out of our control, we do have control over what we choose to focus on.  No one can tell us how to think or what to think about.  This is for each and every one of us to decide.  Sure, it is an enormous challenge to think of all that we have when we are depressed and the glass is half empty, but it is possible.  There is always hope and it is so important not to overlook all of the things that we have to be grateful for including the fact that we are breathing.

David B. Younger, Ph.D

Therapy is not a passive process. One of the first things that I usually tell people is that I am not a magician. I cannot fix your problems and my role is not to give advice. The more you put in, the more you get out. Therapy is not fun and it certainly is not easy. It involves dealing with painful emotional experiences and looking at material that is often kept tucked away in the closet. Some people come when the closet is overflowing and the door has burst open. This is called crisis management. It is necessary at times, but certainly not the ideal context for exploration. You do not have to be in crisis to benefit from therapy. In fact, when there is room in the closet to organize that is usually when a lot of the work gets done.

My role is to facilitate this process; to explore with people; to challenge; to contain and understand; sometimes, to protect. There are days that are exhausting and frustrating and days that move me to the core. One of the greatest challenges as a therapist is to be present with people every time I see them. This means being open and connected and humble and willing to go where the wave takes us.

Therapy is not only about finding answers. It is also about connecting, slowing down, breathing, being afraid, facing your fears, and learning to love and care for yourself. The latter is so important and what most people find the hardest to do. It’s amazing how many people feel guilty for taking care of themselves. It is so fundamental. Learning to care of yourself is the foundation for everything else. I cannot convince someone to take care of herself even if I see that that is what is sorely missing. I can help you see what I see and try to understand it together, but lasting change does not come from anything I say or do. It comes from you.

By David B. Younger, Ph.D

How is it that we constantly want what we don’t have and believe that if only we had something else that it would all be different? Even when we sometimes end up getting what we want, it automatically gets replaced by something else. It prevents us from being in the present moment. It keeps us trapped in the past or suspended in the future.

If only I were bigger…

If only I were stronger…

If only I were smarter…

If only I had more money…

If only I had a better job…

If only I lived someplace else…

If only I could…

If only I would…

If only I didn’t…

If only I did…

If only I had more time…

By David B. Younger, Ph.D