There is a Zen saying that goes something like this: If you have shit on your nose, it will smell no matter where you go.

The answer is to wash your face.

By David B. Younger, Ph.D

Therapy is not a passive process. One of the first things that I usually tell people is that I am not a magician. I cannot fix your problems and my role is not to give advice. The more you put in, the more you get out. Therapy is not fun and it certainly is not easy. It involves dealing with painful emotional experiences and looking at material that is often kept tucked away in the closet. Some people come when the closet is overflowing and the door has burst open. This is called crisis management. It is necessary at times, but certainly not the ideal context for exploration. You do not have to be in crisis to benefit from therapy. In fact, when there is room in the closet to organize that is usually when a lot of the work gets done.

My role is to facilitate this process; to explore with people; to challenge; to contain and understand; sometimes, to protect. There are days that are exhausting and frustrating and days that move me to the core. One of the greatest challenges as a therapist is to be present with people every time I see them. This means being open and connected and humble and willing to go where the wave takes us.

Therapy is not only about finding answers. It is also about connecting, slowing down, breathing, being afraid, facing your fears, and learning to love and care for yourself. The latter is so important and what most people find the hardest to do. It’s amazing how many people feel guilty for taking care of themselves. It is so fundamental. Learning to care of yourself is the foundation for everything else. I cannot convince someone to take care of herself even if I see that that is what is sorely missing. I can help you see what I see and try to understand it together, but lasting change does not come from anything I say or do. It comes from you.

By David B. Younger, Ph.D

How is it that we constantly want what we don’t have and believe that if only we had something else that it would all be different? Even when we sometimes end up getting what we want, it automatically gets replaced by something else. It prevents us from being in the present moment. It keeps us trapped in the past or suspended in the future.

If only I were bigger…

If only I were stronger…

If only I were smarter…

If only I had more money…

If only I had a better job…

If only I lived someplace else…

If only I could…

If only I would…

If only I didn’t…

If only I did…

If only I had more time…

By David B. Younger, Ph.D

This is an opinion piece about two women who I see in my practice. 

One is from the Caribbean and the other is from Eastern Europe.  Both had difficult childhoods saturated with emotional deprivation.  They left their respective countries in late adolescence/early adulthood on their own with little money and even less emotional support from their families.  They put themselves through college and established careers for themselves in health care and fashion, respectively.  They both became single mothers and raised their sons on their own. 

After becoming quite established in their respective fields, both women had accidents on the job.  One was attacked by a patient and the other fell in a factory while overseas.  This is where the story takes a turn for the worse.  Both women were let go.  One lost her insurance.  They needed operations and were saddled with chronic pain and compensation that is a fraction of what they were earning on the job. 

This is the American dream in black and white.  What went wrong?  These enterprising, intelligent women sought better lives for themselves.  They worked their ways through school and pursued the American dream.  Things were going swimmingly until they became expendable.  They are hard-working and have always devoted 110% to their jobs, but were treated like racehorses with broken ankles. 

It seems so unfair.  It is so unfair.  These women should be put on pedestals as examples of what hard work and determination can bring.  Instead, they are treated like criminals and liars by a system that is paranoid due to a few bad apples.  It is so sad and so wrong that there is not a voice for these women and many others like them.

David B. Younger, Ph.D