Insight » Relationships

NY Times article on international adoption

David Younger — Sun, 25 Apr 2010 13:58:58 +0000

Below is a link to an interesting article in last week’s NY Times on the emotional impact of international adoption. The process can be so stressful for both the children and the parents, and both could benefit enormously from psychotherapy to help manage and process the enormity of the situation.

FASHION & STYLE | April 18, 2010
In Some Adoptions, Love Doesn’t Conquer All
By SARAH KERSHAW
For families who have faced the challenges of international adoption, the case of a boy sent back to Russia strikes a chord.

By David B. Younger, Ph.D, CGP, P.C.

NY Times article on marriage and health

David Younger — Sun, 25 Apr 2010 13:42:21 +0000

Below is a link to an interesting article in last week’s NY Times magazine section on marriage and physical health. It seems that years of research demonstrate that people that are in stable relationships benefit from better health unless there is a significant degree of conflict and stress in the relationship. The way in which conflict is handled is considered to be a key mitigating factor.

MAGAZINE | April 18, 2010
Is Marriage Good for Your Health?
By TARA PARKER-POPE
What the research shows about the relationship between relationships and physical well-being.

By David B. Younger, Ph.D, CGP, P.C.

We do unto others as has been done unto us

David Younger — Fri, 19 Feb 2010 20:01:33 +0000

Everyone is familiar with the golden rule: “Do unto others as you would have others do unto you”. Rationally, it makes perfect sense. It is a logical way to operate for the most part. Obviously, there is going to be a certain percentage of the population that could easily stretch the limits of behavior. That aside, the element that I am interested in here is the psychological element that is bound to the adage that history repeats itself. It certainly does on a macro and a micro level. In individuals, history tends to repeat itself when we are unaware of what motivates our behavior. For example, people who have emotionally abusive parents that end up in emotionally abusive relationships as adults.

So I altered the golden rule to state the following: “We do unto others as has been done unto us”. If our parents reacted to us without empathy as children, it makes it much more challenging to internalize the capacity to empathize. It doesn’t mean that it’s impossible, but without that foundation, it is much more difficult to be empathic with ourselves and with others.

One of my patients so eloquently expressed this the other day when he was telling me that he found himself reacting to his girlfriend when she was sick the same way he was reacted to by his father as a child. The great thing is that he is in therapy and that he was aware of his actions and able to take a step back and reflect on them and then talk to his girlfriend about it. This is growth encapsulated. It’s a beautiful thing to be a part of and it is also the best remedy to this mutation of the golden rule.

By David B. Younger, Ph.D

Ask before you assume

David Younger — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 19:59:53 +0000

Roger is driving in the middle of the desert in New Mexico. He has been driving for miles without passing a single car, house, or person. He has never felt so alone in the universe.

Suddenly, the engine coughs and within seconds the car is sitting silently on the side of the road. He ran out of gas.

Roger decides to get out and walk. Considering how far he has come, he assumes that there must be some form of life ahead.

He walks for almost two hours and sees a single light in the distance. He picks up the pace and is overwhelmed with excitement.

As the light slowly grows brighter, Roger starts to think about who on earth would be living in complete desolation like this. He thinks to himself: “What if they’re deranged? What if they try to kill me or kidnap me? This is crazy. I cannot do this”.

Finally, Roger reaches the door of the single house in the middle of nowhere. He knocks and a man opens the door and says, “Can I help you?”

“Keep your fucking gasoline!!!” Roger says, and he walks away.

The moral of the story: We can create elaborate tales in our minds irrespective of the world outside. We are constantly defining the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors of others in our own terms without corroborating the evidence. In this joke, Roger worked himself up so much that by the time he actually met the stranger in the house, he had already lived out a number of elaborate fantasies. We often do this without even being conscious of it and it can really be damaging to relationships. So the bottom line is that if you aren’t sure, ask.

By David B. Younger, Ph.D

Gift versus Transaction

David Younger — Sun, 24 Jan 2010 18:31:13 +0000

I first want to acknowledge that this is something that I learned from one of my mentors, Dr. Manik Hiranandani in India. I would often be talking with him about disappointing situations in my life when people did not respond in ways that I had hoped they would. It happens to all of us, when you give something and you expect something in return:

“I referred him that patient and he didn’t even write to thank me”, or

“I always listen to her problems, but she never asks me about mine”, or

“I’m going on this yoga retreat and they don’t even seem excited for me or happy that I am taking care of myself”.

These are a few mundane examples of how easy it is to give something or do something and simultaneously expect something in return. This is what is referred to as a ‘transaction’. Transactions almost always lead to disappointment because there are strings attached and the enjoyment or fulfillment is in the hands of the “other”, because we are depending upon a specific response.

A gift is when we give something or do something without expecting anything in return. We do it simply for the sake of doing it and there are no expectations after that. Townes Van Zandt said it best: “I just want to sing for the sake of the song”.

We take pleasure in the original act of referring the patient or listening to the problems or sharing the good news and that is it. It sounds easy, but once you become aware of how many of your interactions are actually tied up in transactions, you will realize that it’s not so easy to let go of the strings.

Now that you are aware of the difference between a gift and a transaction, try paying attention to the nature of your interactions. Take special notice of your expectations of others. Ask yourself if you think it is possible to let go of the expectations. If you practice this, it will make you much happier.

By David B. Younger, Ph.D

Roles in Relationships

David Younger — Fri, 24 Jul 2009 21:04:54 +0000

There are many layers involved in attraction. The outside layers are those we are aware of and those we can name. There are plenty of internal layers that we are unaware of, that exist in very powerful ways. These internal layers encompass the unconscious fit between people.

Roles inevitably develop in relationships and these roles are representative of this unconscious fit. There are maternal or paternal roles, fraternal roles, friendship roles, and sexual roles. It is normal and healthy for there to be a dynamic mix of all of these roles in a relationship.

Roles should for the most part be flexible and dynamic. Role-lock occurs when a couple gets stuck in any one specific role at the expense of experiencing others. Feeling stuck in a role is a good sign that you could use some help in getting unstuck.

How can you tell if you are stuck?

Ask yourself a few questions: Is there anything that you tend to fight about more often? Are you feeling resentful of your partner? Are your needs being met? Do you know what your needs are? Do you think your partner’s needs are being met? Do you know what his/her needs are?

The more you sweep things under the rug, the more there is to clean. Just because it’s under the rug doesn’t mean it’s not there. It can be scary to do something about it, but the alternative is far worse. When issues do not get addressed, resentment builds and distance and/or protest creep in. Depending upon how far under the rug it is, there can be little to no awareness of the emotional and psychological origins of the unrest. The bottom line is that it pays to be proactive. Thinking about things in the context of roles and role-lock can be a useful way to identify and address problems in your relationship.

By David B. Younger, Ph.D

Relationships

David Younger — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 17:17:20 +0000

This is a story that one of my patients told me the other day…

My wife got home from a day at the beach with our daughter. She started looking for her camera because she had taken a lot of pictures and she couldn’t find it anywhere. She called her friends that she was with to see if they had it, to no avail. She was getting more and more upset because she had so many pictures on the camera. She said it must have been stolen on the subway.

He said: “Serves you right for being careless”.

She said: “Can’t you see I’m upset? Why are you trying to make me feel worse?”

He said: “I’m not trying to make you feel worse, but this kind of thing doesn’t happen to me”.

She said: “And that’s supposed to make me feel better?”

Clearly this was not intended to make her feel better, and it didn’t. Not only was she upset about losing the camera, which she subsequently found in the hall as it had dropped when she was looking for the keys to open the front door, but she was hurt and upset that he sat there with a stone-faced expression rubbing salt into the wound.

This does not paint a pretty picture of his behavior, but he is human, and no one gets it right all the time. The question is: how do you deal with the damage?

It is often difficult to take a step back when you are in the moment, but it is useful to make the effort when the storm dies down to take a step back and think about your reaction. Put yourself in your partner’s shoes and ask yourself how it would feel to be on the receiving end of your behavior. If you realize that it was hurtful, apologize. It’s not easy sometimes, but it’s so important to recognize and acknowledge that what you did was hurtful and find a way to repair.

By David B. Younger, Ph.D