It’s such a shame that as parents we condition our children from very early on that it’s not ok to be angry.  Why do we do this?  Because that is probably how we were conditioned when we were young.  Isn’t it fascinating how young children can suddenly go into a raging tantrum at the drop of a hat and five minutes later be playing or talking as if nothing happened?  That’s because there are no forces that are promoting the anger outside of the incident itself, and there are no forces inhibiting the anger outside of, well, the parents who echo their phrases such as: “Don’t cry.  Don’t yell.  Don’t be upset.  What’s wrong with you?”  Kids get the message that there is something wrong with reacting in this way.  If you tell a little kid not to cry when they are upset, they’ll usually react with confusion and then an uncomfortable mix of attempts to stifle the crying, which only serves to increase its intensity. 

Anger is a natural emotion, but it is something that we as adults often have a terrible fear of.  We often fear that our anger will destroy and damage and scare and that we will then lose the people. 

The next time your child bursts into a tantrum, try taking a step back and being aware of the feelings it produces in you. Try to name the emotions you think your child is feeling. For example: “ I see you are angry and upset because we can’t get that toy now” or, “I understand you would like candy for breakfast but that is a slow food and not a go food” or, “ I see you are feeling frustrated”. Naming emotions is empowering and it is a great tool to have. It is good training to learn about our feelings from the beginning, because later on in adulthood, words replace actions. If we don’t have a good repertoire of feelings, we struggle to communicate, which manifests itself in our relationships.

Make an effort to connect with your child’s upset and to empathize with his reaction versus telling him that he shouldn’t be reacting this way.  Tell him that you understand that he is angry and try allowing the wave to reach its peak and then to diminish naturally.  You are on the road to teaching your child that it’s ok to be angry.

By David B. Younger, Ph.D & Debbie Radzinsky, MSc

There is a common characteristic amongst many of my patients, which is the tendency to talk about one’s own shortcomings or issues or problems in derogatory terms as though they are stupid or silly or should not exist. I almost always intervene with the following scenario:

Imagine a 6-7 year-old child sitting with her mom who is trying to teach her how to read. The little girl struggles to sound out a word, but keeps getting it wrong. Her mom is exasperated and losing her patience…

Mom (exasperated): We’ve done this a hundred times. You gave me the answer 5 minutes ago.

Child: I don’t remember. Let’s do something else. Want to play doctor?

Mom: Not until you figure this out. Come on. We’ve done this so many times. Concentrate.

Child: L-E-G…Lion! It’s a lion! Right mommy?

Mom (sighs): L-E-G. L-E-G. How does that spell lion? Sound it out.

Child: I’m hungry. Can I have a snack?

You get the picture. The more frustrated the mom gets, the more anxious the child becomes. The space in her mind for learning and creativity quickly dissipates as though an iron gate has suddenly shut down. It won’t be long before the little girl internalizes this critical voice so that it is not even necessary for someone else to bring the gate down for her. She will soon be second-guessing herself and thinking of herself as stupid when she does not get things quick enough. It might get so bad so that any challenges or difficulties are avoided so as to avoid that awful and shame-filled feeling of not knowing and not being good enough.

Now imagine the same little girl with her mom helping her to read. The girl is struggling over and over again to try to sound out a word. Her mom is patient and encourages her to keep trying…

Child: L-E-G. Lion! Lion! Right mommy?

Mom: Ooh. So close. Good guess. You got the first letter. Great job. What’s the second letter?

Child: E

Mom: Right. Great. So try to sound out L-E.

Child: Le, Le, Leg! Leg! Right?

Mom: Great job. That’s it. You did it and you figured it out all by yourself.

Even if the little girl doesn’t get it, she doesn’t get the message that there is anything wrong with trying and getting it wrong and trying again. In other words, it is not unsafe to learn and explore and take risks.

For some reason, it is a lot easier for many of us to be more understanding and empathic with others than with ourselves. Change occurs with openness and acceptance, not from fighting or trying really hard to be different. The next time you feel frustrated with yourself because you feel stuck, or you are going through a tough time, think of the little girl learning to read with her mom. Imagine how it would be if you were willing to give yourself the same empathy and understanding that you are most likely willing to give to those you love. Ask yourself why you do not deserve the same.

By David B. Younger, Ph.D