Imagine a 6-7 year-old child sitting with her mom who is trying to teach her how to read. The little girl struggles to sound out a word, but keeps getting it wrong. Her mom is exasperated and losing her patience…

Mom (exasperated): We’ve done this a hundred times. You gave me the answer 5 minutes ago.

Child: I don’t remember. Let’s do something else. Want to play doctor?

Mom: Not until you figure this out. Come on. We’ve done this so many times. Concentrate.

Child: L-E-G…Lion! It’s a lion! Right mommy?

Mom (sighs): L-E-G. L-E-G. How does that spell lion? Sound it out.

Child: I’m hungry. Can I have a snack?

You get the picture. The more frustrated the mom gets, the more anxious the child becomes. The space in her mind for learning and creativity quickly dissipates as though an iron gate has suddenly shut down. It won’t be long before the little girl internalizes this critical voice so that it is not even necessary for someone else to bring the gate down for her. She will soon be second-guessing herself and thinking of herself as stupid when she does not get things quick enough. It might get so bad so that any challenges or difficulties are avoided so as to avoid that awful and shame-filled feeling of not knowing and not being good enough.

Now imagine the same little girl with her mom helping her to read. The girl is struggling over and over again to try to sound out a word. Her mom is patient and encourages her to keep trying…

Child: L-E-G. Lion! Lion! Right mommy?

Mom: Ooh. So close. Good guess. You got the first letter. Great job. What’s the second letter?

Child: E

Mom: Right. Great. So try to sound out L-E.

Child: Le, Le, Leg! Leg! Right?

Mom: Great job. That’s it. You did it and you figured it out all by yourself.

Even if the little girl doesn’t get it, she doesn’t get the message that there is anything wrong with trying and getting it wrong and trying again. In other words, it is not unsafe to learn and explore and take risks.

For some reason, it is a lot easier for many of us to be more understanding and empathic with others than with ourselves. Change occurs with openness and acceptance, not from fighting or trying really hard to be different. The next time you feel frustrated with yourself because you feel stuck, or you are going through a tough time, think of the little girl learning to read with her mom. Imagine how it would be if you were willing to give yourself the same empathy and understanding that you are most likely willing to give to those you love. Ask yourself why you do not deserve the same.

By David B. Younger, Ph.D