One of the therapy groups that I run is composed of an eclectic mix of people from all over the world who have one big thing in common: they are out of work due to accidents on the job.  I have written about this before because many of these people are treated like criminals even though they have done nothing wrong.  One of my patients referred me to the movie Marathon Man by Dustin Hoffman.  He says that this entire experience has made him paranoid.  He doesn’t know who he can trust.

That’s not the theme of this post though.  I am writing because I met with my group on the day before Thanksgiving and they all started talking about their physical pain, financial woes, and overall frustrations.  This is par for the course and I always stress the importance that they have a space where they can talk about all of this, a space where they can be heard and seen.  I am convinced that this will have a positive impact on their psychological health and on their physical health. 

This group is a veritable United Nations.  I am the only American-born person in the group.  We have representatives from Trinidad, Jamaica, Poland, Puerto Rico, and the Philippines.  Frankly, it is one of the things I most treasure about being in New York that I have the privilege to work with such a potpourri of people.  I learn so much from them.

I will get to the point now.  I interrupted the group’s collective tirade as it was hitting its crescendo and I asked one of the members what she was thankful for.  She told me she was thankful for her friends and family, thankful that she is a part of this group and that she is still breathing.  We went around the room.  Most of the members had things they were thankful for.  One of the members needed some nudging from a fellow member, but she too found a voice. 

We transitioned somewhat seamlessly from a focus on what was lacking to what was abundant and the energy in the room was substantially changed.  As difficult as things may be in any given moment, and as much as there is that is simply out of our control, we do have control over what we choose to focus on.  No one can tell us how to think or what to think about.  This is for each and every one of us to decide.  Sure, it is an enormous challenge to think of all that we have when we are depressed and the glass is half empty, but it is possible.  There is always hope and it is so important not to overlook all of the things that we have to be grateful for including the fact that we are breathing.

David B. Younger, Ph.D

Therapy is not a passive process. One of the first things that I usually tell people is that I am not a magician. I cannot fix your problems and my role is not to give advice. The more you put in, the more you get out. Therapy is not fun and it certainly is not easy. It involves dealing with painful emotional experiences and looking at material that is often kept tucked away in the closet. Some people come when the closet is overflowing and the door has burst open. This is called crisis management. It is necessary at times, but certainly not the ideal context for exploration. You do not have to be in crisis to benefit from therapy. In fact, when there is room in the closet to organize that is usually when a lot of the work gets done.

My role is to facilitate this process; to explore with people; to challenge; to contain and understand; sometimes, to protect. There are days that are exhausting and frustrating and days that move me to the core. One of the greatest challenges as a therapist is to be present with people every time I see them. This means being open and connected and humble and willing to go where the wave takes us.

Therapy is not only about finding answers. It is also about connecting, slowing down, breathing, being afraid, facing your fears, and learning to love and care for yourself. The latter is so important and what most people find the hardest to do. It’s amazing how many people feel guilty for taking care of themselves. It is so fundamental. Learning to care of yourself is the foundation for everything else. I cannot convince someone to take care of herself even if I see that that is what is sorely missing. I can help you see what I see and try to understand it together, but lasting change does not come from anything I say or do. It comes from you.

By David B. Younger, Ph.D

How is it that we constantly want what we don’t have and believe that if only we had something else that it would all be different? Even when we sometimes end up getting what we want, it automatically gets replaced by something else. It prevents us from being in the present moment. It keeps us trapped in the past or suspended in the future.

If only I were bigger…

If only I were stronger…

If only I were smarter…

If only I had more money…

If only I had a better job…

If only I lived someplace else…

If only I could…

If only I would…

If only I didn’t…

If only I did…

If only I had more time…

By David B. Younger, Ph.D