November 28th, 2009
One of the therapy groups that I run is composed of an eclectic mix of people from all over the world who have one big thing in common: they are out of work due to accidents on the job. I have written about this before because many of these people are treated like criminals even though they have done nothing wrong. One of my patients referred me to the movie Marathon Man by Dustin Hoffman. He says that this entire experience has made him paranoid. He doesn’t know who he can trust.
That’s not the theme of this post though. I am writing because I met with my group on the day before Thanksgiving and they all started talking about their physical pain, financial woes, and overall frustrations. This is par for the course and I always stress the importance that they have a space where they can talk about all of this, a space where they can be heard and seen. I am convinced that this will have a positive impact on their psychological health and on their physical health.
This group is a veritable United Nations. I am the only American-born person in the group. We have representatives from Trinidad, Jamaica, Poland, Puerto Rico, and the Philippines. Frankly, it is one of the things I most treasure about being in New York that I have the privilege to work with such a potpourri of people. I learn so much from them.
I will get to the point now. I interrupted the group’s collective tirade as it was hitting its crescendo and I asked one of the members what she was thankful for. She told me she was thankful for her friends and family, thankful that she is a part of this group and that she is still breathing. We went around the room. Most of the members had things they were thankful for. One of the members needed some nudging from a fellow member, but she too found a voice.
We transitioned somewhat seamlessly from a focus on what was lacking to what was abundant and the energy in the room was substantially changed. As difficult as things may be in any given moment, and as much as there is that is simply out of our control, we do have control over what we choose to focus on. No one can tell us how to think or what to think about. This is for each and every one of us to decide. Sure, it is an enormous challenge to think of all that we have when we are depressed and the glass is half empty, but it is possible. There is always hope and it is so important not to overlook all of the things that we have to be grateful for including the fact that we are breathing.
David B. Younger, Ph.D
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November 13th, 2009
Therapy is not a passive process. One of the first things that I usually tell people is that I am not a magician. I cannot fix your problems and my role is not to give advice. The more you put in, the more you get out. Therapy is not fun and it certainly is not easy. It involves dealing with painful emotional experiences and looking at material that is often kept tucked away in the closet. Some people come when the closet is overflowing and the door has burst open. This is called crisis management. It is necessary at times, but certainly not the ideal context for exploration. You do not have to be in crisis to benefit from therapy. In fact, when there is room in the closet to organize that is usually when a lot of the work gets done.
My role is to facilitate this process; to explore with people; to challenge; to contain and understand; sometimes, to protect. There are days that are exhausting and frustrating and days that move me to the core. One of the greatest challenges as a therapist is to be present with people every time I see them. This means being open and connected and humble and willing to go where the wave takes us.
Therapy is not only about finding answers. It is also about connecting, slowing down, breathing, being afraid, facing your fears, and learning to love and care for yourself. The latter is so important and what most people find the hardest to do. It’s amazing how many people feel guilty for taking care of themselves. It is so fundamental. Learning to care of yourself is the foundation for everything else. I cannot convince someone to take care of herself even if I see that that is what is sorely missing. I can help you see what I see and try to understand it together, but lasting change does not come from anything I say or do. It comes from you.
By David B. Younger, Ph.D
Posted in Miscellaneous | No Comments »
November 5th, 2009
How is it that we constantly want what we don’t have and believe that if only we had something else that it would all be different? Even when we sometimes end up getting what we want, it automatically gets replaced by something else. It prevents us from being in the present moment. It keeps us trapped in the past or suspended in the future.
If only I were bigger…
If only I were stronger…
If only I were smarter…
If only I had more money…
If only I had a better job…
If only I lived someplace else…
If only I could…
If only I would…
If only I didn’t…
If only I did…
If only I had more time…
By David B. Younger, Ph.D
Posted in Miscellaneous | No Comments »
October 30th, 2009
This is an opinion piece about two women who I see in my practice.
One is from the Caribbean and the other is from Eastern Europe. Both had difficult childhoods saturated with emotional deprivation. They left their respective countries in late adolescence/early adulthood on their own with little money and even less emotional support from their families. They put themselves through college and established careers for themselves in health care and fashion, respectively. They both became single mothers and raised their sons on their own.
After becoming quite established in their respective fields, both women had accidents on the job. One was attacked by a patient and the other fell in a factory while overseas. This is where the story takes a turn for the worse. Both women were let go. One lost her insurance. They needed operations and were saddled with chronic pain and compensation that is a fraction of what they were earning on the job.
This is the American dream in black and white. What went wrong? These enterprising, intelligent women sought better lives for themselves. They worked their ways through school and pursued the American dream. Things were going swimmingly until they became expendable. They are hard-working and have always devoted 110% to their jobs, but were treated like racehorses with broken ankles.
It seems so unfair. It is so unfair. These women should be put on pedestals as examples of what hard work and determination can bring. Instead, they are treated like criminals and liars by a system that is paranoid due to a few bad apples. It is so sad and so wrong that there is not a voice for these women and many others like them.
David B. Younger, Ph.D
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August 21st, 2009
From the day we are born, we are forming connections in our brain that reflect every aspect of how we function in the world, including how we relate to ourselves and to others. We are in constant active communication with our environment. We impact it, and it impacts us. As babies and young children, the epicenter of our environment is the primary caregiver, usually the mother. If mom consistently reacts by yelling when you cry, or by cuddling, or ignoring, etc., this is continuously imprinting on the consciousness of the child.
As children seamlessly merge into adults, it is not surprising that much of our childhood “programming” persists. Some of our “programming” will be healthy. Some will be defensive, as a result of needing some form of protection from our environment. Other programming will be maladaptive, making it difficult for us to function well in different contexts of our lives. In schema therapy, a type of therapy that merges psychodynamic, cognitive and behavioral theory and techniques, the maladaptive “programming” is referred to as lifetraps.
Lifetraps form early in our lives. They are dynamic to an extent, but not whimsical. They serve to organize the personality and inevitably create self-fulfilling prophecies that conform to the rigid nature of the lifetrap itself.
Alan is the youngest of 5 children in a very close somewhat boundary-less family. He was loved on the one hand, but there simply wasn’t much emotional energy left by the time he came along. This was learned by Alan from the time he was a baby. He grew into a child and later an adult that became quite adept at reading other people’s needs. This was a defense that in the context of his therapy should be respected. But it is no longer serving him in a positive way. He has a very difficult time getting in touch with his own feelings and needs and is extremely susceptible to the demands of others. This is causing him much conflict and heartache now that he is engaged to be married and caught between the contrasting demands of his family and his fiancé.
In therapy, Alan has been discovering this lifetrap, which is referred to as subjugation with underlying emotional deprivation. Identifying your own lifetraps is an important first step in the process. It’s often helpful to work with a therapist on identifying, understanding, and addressing one’s lifetraps. A good place to start would be to get a book called “Reinventing Your Life” by Jeff Young, Ph.D, the founder of schema therapy. It provides a user friendly introduction to understanding and changing your lifetraps. The most important point to keep in mind is that nothing is permanent if you are open to change.
By David B. Younger, Ph.D
Posted in Lifetraps | No Comments »
August 7th, 2009
Sleep is so fundamental…so important…and so basic, that it is often taken for granted or overlooked in assessing and attempting to understand emotional and psychological difficulties. Although the number of hours of sleep that people require is variable, it is almost certain that if you are not getting enough sleep for your body and mind, you will feel the effects.
You probably know best whether or not you are getting enough sleep. If you are not, it is time to take action. Here are some things you can do:
· Keep a diary for 5 days including what you are eating for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and when you are eating each meal.
· Include how much alcohol and coffee or caffeinated beverages you are drinking.
· Include how much you are exercising.
· Finally, include your bedtime routine. Do you go to bed at the same time each night and wake up at the same time? What do you do prior to going to bed?
Tips
1. Try to go to bed around the same time each night, but more importantly, wake up at the same time each morning regardless of what time you go to bed.
2. Do not use the computer for at least 2 hours before going to bed.
3. Only use the bed for sleep and sex.
4. If you are a coffee drinker, do not have any coffee or caffeinated beverages after 2pm.
5. Alcohol can keep you up, or wake you up at night, so be mindful of your alcohol intake.
If you have a good routine and you still have trouble sleeping, it is worth contacting a sleep clinic. I recommend the NY Sleep Institute, http://www.nysleepinstitute.com/index.shtml. They accept all major insurances. You can go for an evaluation with a sleep specialist who will help you assess your sleep habits and decide whether it would be beneficial to have a sleep study.
People often cannot sleep because there is a lot on their minds. Take care of yourself. If you are troubled, reach out to a friend or a therapist. Do not let sleepless nights drag on. There is a lot you can do!
By David B. Younger, Ph.D
Posted in Health and Wellness | No Comments »
July 31st, 2009
It’s such a shame that as parents we condition our children from very early on that it’s not ok to be angry. Why do we do this? Because that is probably how we were conditioned when we were young. Isn’t it fascinating how young children can suddenly go into a raging tantrum at the drop of a hat and five minutes later be playing or talking as if nothing happened? That’s because there are no forces that are promoting the anger outside of the incident itself, and there are no forces inhibiting the anger outside of, well, the parents who echo their phrases such as: “Don’t cry. Don’t yell. Don’t be upset. What’s wrong with you?” Kids get the message that there is something wrong with reacting in this way. If you tell a little kid not to cry when they are upset, they’ll usually react with confusion and then an uncomfortable mix of attempts to stifle the crying, which only serves to increase its intensity.
Anger is a natural emotion, but it is something that we as adults often have a terrible fear of. We often fear that our anger will destroy and damage and scare and that we will then lose the people.
The next time your child bursts into a tantrum, try taking a step back and being aware of the feelings it produces in you. Try to name the emotions you think your child is feeling. For example: “ I see you are angry and upset because we can’t get that toy now” or, “I understand you would like candy for breakfast but that is a slow food and not a go food” or, “ I see you are feeling frustrated”. Naming emotions is empowering and it is a great tool to have. It is good training to learn about our feelings from the beginning, because later on in adulthood, words replace actions. If we don’t have a good repertoire of feelings, we struggle to communicate, which manifests itself in our relationships.
Make an effort to connect with your child’s upset and to empathize with his reaction versus telling him that he shouldn’t be reacting this way. Tell him that you understand that he is angry and try allowing the wave to reach its peak and then to diminish naturally. You are on the road to teaching your child that it’s ok to be angry.
By David B. Younger, Ph.D & Debbie Radzinsky, MSc
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July 24th, 2009
There are many layers involved in attraction. The outside layers are those we are aware of and those we can name. There are plenty of internal layers that we are unaware of, that exist in very powerful ways. These internal layers encompass the unconscious fit between people.
Roles inevitably develop in relationships and these roles are representative of this unconscious fit. There are maternal or paternal roles, fraternal roles, friendship roles, and sexual roles. It is normal and healthy for there to be a dynamic mix of all of these roles in a relationship.
Roles should for the most part be flexible and dynamic. Role-lock occurs when a couple gets stuck in any one specific role at the expense of experiencing others. Feeling stuck in a role is a good sign that you could use some help in getting unstuck.
How can you tell if you are stuck?
Ask yourself a few questions: Is there anything that you tend to fight about more often? Are you feeling resentful of your partner? Are your needs being met? Do you know what your needs are? Do you think your partner’s needs are being met? Do you know what his/her needs are?
The more you sweep things under the rug, the more there is to clean. Just because it’s under the rug doesn’t mean it’s not there. It can be scary to do something about it, but the alternative is far worse. When issues do not get addressed, resentment builds and distance and/or protest creep in. Depending upon how far under the rug it is, there can be little to no awareness of the emotional and psychological origins of the unrest. The bottom line is that it pays to be proactive. Thinking about things in the context of roles and role-lock can be a useful way to identify and address problems in your relationship.
By David B. Younger, Ph.D
Posted in Relationships | No Comments »
July 17th, 2009
This is a story that one of my patients told me the other day…
My wife got home from a day at the beach with our daughter. She started looking for her camera because she had taken a lot of pictures and she couldn’t find it anywhere. She called her friends that she was with to see if they had it, to no avail. She was getting more and more upset because she had so many pictures on the camera. She said it must have been stolen on the subway.
He said: “Serves you right for being careless”.
She said: “Can’t you see I’m upset? Why are you trying to make me feel worse?”
He said: “I’m not trying to make you feel worse, but this kind of thing doesn’t happen to me”.
She said: “And that’s supposed to make me feel better?”
Clearly this was not intended to make her feel better, and it didn’t. Not only was she upset about losing the camera, which she subsequently found in the hall as it had dropped when she was looking for the keys to open the front door, but she was hurt and upset that he sat there with a stone-faced expression rubbing salt into the wound.
This does not paint a pretty picture of his behavior, but he is human, and no one gets it right all the time. The question is: how do you deal with the damage?
It is often difficult to take a step back when you are in the moment, but it is useful to make the effort when the storm dies down to take a step back and think about your reaction. Put yourself in your partner’s shoes and ask yourself how it would feel to be on the receiving end of your behavior. If you realize that it was hurtful, apologize. It’s not easy sometimes, but it’s so important to recognize and acknowledge that what you did was hurtful and find a way to repair.
By David B. Younger, Ph.D
Posted in Relationships | No Comments »
July 10th, 2009
It’s fair to say that most people do not enjoy suffering, nor would most people choose to suffer. Yet in our society there is a collective abhorrence of suffering and the zeitgeist of the modern era is that it’s all about being happy.
No wonder so many people are miserable!
Suffering is a part of life. It is almost more natural in many ways than happiness. To avoid suffering, or to fear it, or to treat it like a parasite, only serves as fuel for the fire.
When you were a kid, you were probably afraid of the bogey man or the monsters in your closet. The more we feared them, the more we avoided them, and the more powerful they became.
Suffering is not the bogey man. It’s not something to avoid at all costs. We cannot avoid suffering at all times in a healthy way.
With most of the people I work with, an important part of the work involves opening the door to the closet and sitting down with the bogey man and letting him know you won’t be hiding any longer.
This does not imply seeking or embracing suffering as one’s lot in life; far from it. The more open you can be to the dynamic nature of your emotional experience and to the fleetingness of all emotional states, whether good or bad, the better equipped you will be to face your bogey man. Clinging to moments of bliss or running away from pain won’t make the happiness stay or the sadness go away.
By David B. Younger, Ph.D
Posted in Suffering | No Comments »
